All thinkers are faced with it, at least once in a life time: contemplating suicide. There are situations in which it is the only dignified way out: when all is lost, by our own fault or by the fault of others, when we are enslaved and when we are faced with a terminal disease. Alexanderlike as I am, I'm all for the hara-kiri, but more in Cleopatra's style, in order to avoid pain and blood spilt.
This last week was one of the worst in my life. As if it wasn't enough to have the kitchen infested with ants, to have had a flood, pipes broken, water all over and then to mend it all, with dust everywhere, and so on and so forth; as if it wasn't enough to go through the torture of being faced everyday with a catalogue of terrorizing threats I simply don't deserve, spurred on by fear and unchecked by love ; as if it wasn't enough one day soon I'll not have money enough to eat; to put my resistance to the limit, an health problem stepped in. I went through the necessary medical tests to know what was it all about, just to be given a result of a terminal disease and no more than 2/3 months of life.
I never thought what my reaction might be if that ever happened, and that was when I faced the Abyss and I knew my true nature is not to endure such predicament. I wanted to go to Fatima and pray for a miracle, I wanted to tell my family, but I went through it alone, as I should, with no helping hand, and made up my mind. I claimed the tests were remade, and today I got the reply. I thank God, and I want to kill the Lab. They sent me a lovely letter, apologising for the switch of results and saying they were paying all the expenses. Well, that's the least they can do. I felt a strange relief, but not happiness, because there's a woman out there to whom those terrible results belong. If the outcome would have been different, this would probably be my last week of life. So close to the Abyss, I felt the dimension of the mettle I'm made of: I could still give when I had nothing left.
There are a million different ways of dying, but only a way of living for me. As Jesus said: To conquer Death, you only have to die. Amen !
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